being a supportive friend: a guide for the childfree

I've been meaning to write this post for months. Now that I've announced that we're expecting twins, you might be tempted to think that this post is about me. But it's not. These are just some suggestions on how you can be a good friend to a woman in your life who has a brand new baby.

1. don't call. first off, mom and dad are catching zzzz's when they can. it's totally random and unpredictable. if you call and leave a message, you put the burden on them to call you back. send an email. send a text message.
2. don't expect a handwritten, proper thank-you note for generic baby gear that you purchased. if you want to be sincerely and profusely thanked, see#4,5, 10, 11. thank you notes, though important, are just not priority. gift your mom friend the peace of mind that she does not owe you a thank you note and you do not expect one. plus, be honest. you're going to throw away the dumb note anyway...
3. don't ask how you can help. say, "i'm going to do X, Y, Z..what time can i come by? and you better not clean up 'cause I'm coming over."
4. bring/send food. don't ask what they want and from where. surprise her with what you think they'll like.
5. when you come over, grab a load of the baby's laundry and put it in the washer. start the washer.
6. don't come over expecting to sit in the rocking chair and hold the baby. mom needs help with housework, not baby holding.
7. don't ask to hold the baby. if the mother offers, then promptly get up, go wash your hands, hold the baby, and ask mom if she needs to go do something (pump milk, take shower, brush teeth, take a short nap, grab something to eat) while you hold the baby.
8. don't come over if you're sick. even your claim that it's "just allergies" will make a new mom nervous.
9. don't stay long (unless you're doing something productive for the family) and don't expect a long leisurely, thought-provoking and engaging conversation. hello? the woman just grew a human for 9 months, gave birth (no description necessary, right?) and is nursing non-stop and getting little sleep with no end in sight. this is not the time to talk about Obama's latest proposal or the crisis in North Korea.
10. bring books, magazines,...and food.
11. if you can afford it, or if you can organize a friend pool, pay for a maid to come over to do the heavy duty cleaning than mom probably won't get to until the baby is crawling.
12. listen if she feels like sharing her birth story, but don't prod too much. not everyone wants to talk about what it feels like when the baby is crowning.
13. don't be alarmed if mom seems down, not herself, tired, not giddy that she has a cute little baby to call her own. refer to #9 if you need to be reminded what she's just been through. this is not the movies. this is real life. real work.
14. offer to babysit when the couple feels comfortable leaving their baby with someone. but if, when mom is changing baby's diaper, you freak out at the sight of orange poop, or if you get upset that your cashmere sweater just got spit up on, don't be offended when they don't call you.
15. one last note, for those who've had a baby. don't forget or worse yet, sugarcoat what life was like those first 6-8 weeks. be the friend you wish you'd had.